It’s only words and words are all I have
Bee Gees
The Bee Gees, one of my all-time favorite bands, got it all wrong. While their song “Words” waxes poetically that “its only words”, that pronouncement is far from the truth. With conversation, people offer more than words. Positive, uplifting and honest words may in fact carry with them hidden meaning. Often, however, words of flattery, beauty and of edification are not subjected to scrutiny. As such, important information is not captured. Sorry Barry, Maurice & Robin, I don’t want to be a heartbreaker, but words are not all that we have.
If you are into staying alive with mental clarity, we must explore the error in such thought. Conversations should not be viewed based upon words. Even jive talking can have serious connotations. Sometimes, words can be deeper than your love!’
A recent friend was discussing one of my childhood friends of many decades. I warned by new friend, “don’t be too nice and giving to my childhood friend! He will take advantage of you. Once you show him one bit of generosity, he will keep coming back again and again.” In response to my caution, my new friend said, “I would do anything for my friends.” I left the conversation thinking “what a nice person!”
Months later, the new friend complained to me, “I am getting sick of your old friend, he is always getting me to do things for him. I am done with him!”
Over time, my dealings with my new friend deteriorated. Many things I told them were disregarded. I felt that my friend viewed me as untrustworthy. I was hurt. My words, the only words I had, apparently were not only of little value, they were unbelievable.
Years later, epiphany. My friend and I were at a party. I saw them interacting with another friend. My new friend dismissed credible factual information from this other person as well. At that moment. I realized that my troubled relationship with this friend was not about me. Rather, I was dealing with a person who had a sociopathic trait. They did not believe anyone. Their way of controlling their world was by controlling the truth. In their universe, they established that only they could determine the truth. Everyone else was subject to their determination. This gave them the power to be in charge. For example, it was never actually raining until they stepped outside and saw it.
This revelation led me to the mantra, “sometimes, it’s not you.” There are countless times that I used the mantra to counsel individuals in troubled relationships. I advise them to observe their partner’s behavior when dealing with others. It is possible that they treat you the same way they treat others.
This exercise has enlightened many who were perceived that they had been uniquely targeted for hurtful conduct. I had spent many years feeling that this friend deeply distrusted me. In reality, it was they who were incapable of trusting others.
In sum, appreciating the notion that words are much more than words is a valuable concept. For instance, if someone asks, “have you seen my wife, Mr. Jones?”, there might be something more to it.
Be well!!
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The Ten Commandments Project 