Joe Rogan Comes Out As Jewish: A Ten Commandments’ Tale

podcast king and multi-millionaire, joe rogan finally admitted it. in defense of congressional representative ilhan omar’s comment “it is all about the benjamins,” mr. rogan opined that the idea that jewish people are not into money is ridiculous, it is like saying italians aren’t into pizza. from this, we all now know, joe is a member of the tribe.

beyond his mere scoring of a $200 million spotify contract for which he received many mazel tovs, mr. rogan’s insatiable willingness to express opinions offers further evidence to his faith. it does not take a schmear of cream cheese on the bagel to make this point.

there was even a joe rogan bar mitzvah. the accounts of it were pieced together from extensive imaginary research. from all accounts, it was a joe rogan experience. visions from the event captured mr. rogan’s famous bar mitzvah speech. it was a dvar torah on jewish wealth.

the young rogan stepped onto the bimah and went to the podium. he spoke of abraham, the first jew, and how he was a person who was all about accumulating wealth. mr. rogan punctuated abraham was so well-connected with the lord that he entered into a real estate development deal with the almighty. he noted that the project would later be known as israel. joe’s speech spoke of his personal ream to be a great broadcaster. he lamented that, to get to that goal, he would be to record commercials for businesses into selling gold and other precious metals. he did not, however, that abraham, while being into money, was also into accumulating both silver and gold.

the young rogan went to discuss the genesis story in which abraham had to form an army to recover his nephew lot. in doing so, he also restored the stolen possessions and people to the cities of sodom and gemorrah.

mr. rogan would then go on to describe how abraham declined the sodom’s kings offer of receive some of the spoils that were acquired. mr. rogan then told the congregation that that abraham indicated that the reason for doing so was that he did not want the king of sodom to be able to say that he made abraham wealthy. mr. rogan then noted that abraham wanted the world to know that only the master of the universe was the source of his wealth.

mr. rogan emphatically pointed out how about how abraham was about “clean” shekels and he did not want to be associated with “sodom and gemorrah’s” questionable shekels. at this point in the speech, young rogan became enraged “how righteous was abraham! as being the first jew, he was supposed to be into money! he should have taken what the king of sodom offered!” mr. rogan declared. mr. rogan pounded on the podium bimah and shouted, “how could this be? abraham turning down fortune was like an italian turning down a piece of pizza!”

the synagogue got silent. young rogan started to “schvitz.” his bar mitzvah suit became dripping wet. the rogan family began to panic. the synagogue’s atmosphere was so unpleasant that the rabbi started praying for a “hail mary.” would there be no no fountain pens handled out to joe on this blessed day? would a tree not be planted in his honor in the state of israel courtesty of the sisterhood?” would this day remain filled with horror and no dancing of the hora? would he get his prayer book and kiddush cup courtesy of the men’s club?

the wise and quick thinking bar mitzvah boy was caught in a mental headlock. the temple appeared to him as four-sided octagon. then, it happened. what appeared like a puff of smoke on stage, mr. rogan gathered himself together to explain that not only was abraham a successful businessman, but both his son, isaac, and his grandson, jacob, were as well. mr. rogan went further to explained that when the children of israel became a nation and received the torah, they also accepted the responsibility to take care of the poor and the needy. he went on to explain that the wealth they acquired was meant to be shared with the less fortunate. with their wealth, they were fulling their mitvot or commandments. mr. rogan noted that the torah obligated landowners to leave the corners of their fields for the poor.

with his man-like wisdom, mr. rogan literally pulled a “rabbi out of his hat.” mr. rogan explained that jewish people’s interest in money is something greater than greed. rather, money was a means to feed the poor, educate the ignorant and heal the sick. he concluded with the declaration that “and this is why it is all about the benjamins!”

his speech hypnotized the audience. his bubbies rushed the stage to tag him with lipstick filled kisses. mr. rogan became rich in “cross” pens. there is a legend that a forest rather than one mere tree was planted in israel in honor of his bar mitzvah.

there are rumors that mr. rogan’s bar mitzvah party was catered with egg rolls, sweet and sour chicken, mu shu pancakes, and fortune cookies. after all, jews are into chinese food!

in sum, may there always be an opportunity to have both a teaching moment and a laugh!.

be well!!

Post Script

the story of abraham and the king of sodom is genesis chapter 14

Published by biblelifestudies

I am a practicing lawyer and long term admirer of the bible

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